I'm doing a liquid fast today, to expunge some of yesterday's damage (one pound of binge-weight, which I assume is water or something equally unsettling).
On a very off-topic note:
I think that I've acquired a boyfriend in the past week... which is clearly a product of chaos, since I'd never go looking for anyone of the sort. I'm very apprehensive, and even upset with myself for even considering this. I am far too unstable to be in a relationship.
When I was nineteen, I was discarded by the only man I had (and have yet) ever loved. Afterward, I tried to kill myself by swallowing handfuls of Valium on three separate occasions... all of which failed, because my tolerance was remarkably high, having spent the previous month trying to keep myself perpetually unconscious with the stuff. I wasn't rushed into the Emergency Room, or even stumbled upon in the midst of the scene. I just woke up, blanketed with apathy. In retrospect, the end of the relationship only exacerbated my desire to die, since I was already bed-bound from depression.
Now I'm struck with an overwhelming surge of dread, because I can feel myself being tugged into the cimmerian caverns of depression... and yet I'm dumb enough to spend what little energy I've left to appease such a basal human need: to cling to another body.
I should be alone. I'd rather not belong to this world at all, so why should I create more ties to it? This place offers no reverie nor solace for me... and here I am, tying another tether.
I'm rambling now (rather morbid rambles). God, it's difficult to explain how painful it is to be depressed. It really is like a heart ache... and no thing nor one can comfort it, no matter how valiant the effort.
Weight:
Height: 5'4"
No comments:
Post a Comment