I avoid close relationships. Years ago, I recognized that I lose more than I've to gain from their intimacy, and stored my thoughts in a very structured shed. It's protected me, and I haven't traveled back to look for another way to place them.
About an hour ago (my thoughts have been sprinting across glass in the meantime), I noticed a message on my Facebook from someone I used to love. He hurt me astoundingly, and yet he continues to send me romantic notes from time to time... then wipes their ink away, by nothing more than "never mind." Now I have a new note. Just seeing that it exists has really torn me apart. I don't want a note at all. I don't want to be exalted, nor do I want to be bludgeoned like criminal who's done something unspeakably wrong.
I don't care about him anymore in the conventional way, and yet I can't stop my heart from dropping at the idea of reading (knowing) one more terrible thing about myself. I just want to be left alone to dream that compassion exists more vastly than it does. There are so few places where kindness is visible, that I'm hiding. I can't withstand the beatings for much longer. There's hardly anything left of me but flesh.
Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106 105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95
Height: 5'4"
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