The Bear

I broke my liquid fast yesterday before consciously picking it back up at ten (it's been thirteen hours now). The time frame feels so surreal, because I slept off and on for the entire day. I had taken a Seroquel in the afternoon to ease my insomnia-addled mind, and it put me out completely. I only remember a few events, which I will list in chronological order (let it be known that Seroquel gives one the munchies, probably akin to marijuana):

1. I fall asleep for several hours
2. I hear a musical knock on the door, and question whether or not it's real... before opening it and receiving a pair of boots (a belated Christmas present) from my mom.
3. I go back to sleep
4. I receive a phone call from my 'boyfriend (whatever he is).' He's unhappy that I don't sound excited to hear from him.
5. I put a potato in the microwave
6. I fall asleep for several hours
7. I wake up and reheat the potato
8. ***big blur***
9. I wake up at ten in the morning. My food is logged, my painting has some new additions (more leaves have been added to the trees), and I have to be at work in three hours. This was such a lovely day off. I can't wait to do it next weekend. 

Fast: 11/72

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106 105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95

Height: 5'4"

Points:  VII

Don't Take Resveratrol

I'm quite concerned about my mental state at the moment, for it seems that Resveratrol (an ambiguous diet pill) has made me very ill. I'm dizzy, my heart is pounding, my head is heavy, and my stomach is nagging at me to purge all of these foreign chemicals from my body. The walls are drawing nearer to me... but this must be nothing more than a panic attack. It needs to be a panic attack. I refuse to miss work. I need these hours; this stupid money. I just spent fifteen dollars on a sweetener for Christ's sake (or Buddha's, or Vishnu's [I love Hinduism], or for whomever's you fancy)!

I didn't intend the former to be the subject of this post, but writing puts me more so at more at ease than babbling about the gym. ...so (my meager attempt to add dieting advice), the loose moral of this story:

Don't take Resveratrol-

especially if you need to drive to work and competently converse and fold clothes for six hours.



 

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95
Height: 5'4"



Fast Food for the Anxious

When I depart for a long voyage on the road with my family, I get very nervous about stopping for fast food. It provokes my anxiety for several reasons. If I order a small cup of fruit, I feel transparent, as if my eating disorder brightens and beckons suspicion. If I order a drink, I will be plagued with the prying chorus of "You're not hungry?" ...which drives me a bit insane, since it's a conviluted concept to me. I'd break for a soda, but then I'd have to explain that said soda has 160 calories and is well enough to carry me until my next meal; but that sounds completely neurotic.

To subsidy this chaos, I study menus as soon as the shiny, greasy destination is decided. This, however, takes time, and god forbid I have to say "wait...! I haven't decided." as I scroll frantically through my phone... which runs the risk of taking too much time, so I'm forced to stare at the menu from the window and utter a series of "um..." 's.

To the point, it's much easier if one knows what to order before pulling into the drive-thru. This is a list of the lowest calorie options provided at the more popular takeaway joints (please do not shop at Arby's. Their management is sickly corrupt in America):

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

McDonald's

Breakfast:

Fruit and Maple Oatmeal (290 calories)

Apple Cinnamon Walnut Oatmeal (270 calories)

Dinner:

Premium Ceaser Salad with Grilled Chicken (190 calories)

Premium Southwest Salad with Grilled Chicken (290 calories)

Premium Bacon Ranch Salad with Grilled Chicken (230 calories)

------------------------------------------
 

Taco Bell

Dinner:

Fresco Chicken Soft Taco (150 calories)

Fresco Crunchy Taco (140 calories)

Fresco Grilled Steak Soft Taco (150 calories)

Mexican Rice (120 calories)

------------------------------------------
 

Wendy's

Dinner:

Apple Slices (40 calories)*

Garden Side Salad (210 calories)

Caeser Side Salad (250 calories)

Ultimate Chicken Grilled Sandwich without the bun (180 calories)

 

------------------------------------------

Burger King

Breakfast:

Quaker Oatmeal (140calories)

Kids Oatmeal (170 calories [...?])

Dinner:

Apple Slices (25 calories)*

Side Caeser Salad with Dressing (220 calories)

------------------------------------------

 

KFC

Dinner:

Kids Popcorn Chicken (260 calories)

Mashed Potatos without Gravy (90 calories)

3" Corn on the Cob (71 calories)

Sweet Kernal Corn (100 calories)

Macaroni Salad (190 calories)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

*I suggest getting a side of apple slices to fill up on. The more food you have in front of you, the less likely you'll be chastised for only managing a half of it.

 

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95
Height: 5'4"


Sorbitol

After digging through pages of odd (mostly odd) and droll facts about artificial sweeteners, I finally found a favorite: Sorbitol. Sorbitol is the only substitute that actually caused weight loss, unlike its less friendly peers... the lot of which often cause cancer.

I found a more readable article recently, warning about the "dangerously excessive weight loss." linked to Sorbitol. It warns that Sorbitol has a laxative effect in large quantities... which is probably why it's used  as a laxative. I've mentioned this a few times, but I feel like it would be remiss not to reiterate it: Laxatives do not cause weight loss. Poop indicates that the digestive process is finished, no mater how it's excreted. You cannot poop away calories. That being said, there must be another reason why Sorbitol that causes weight loss.

 

Read the Article Here

 

The people who took part in the study ate about fifteen sticks of sugar free gum per day, which seems to be the magical amount of Sorbitol to induce poopies and excessive weight loss. I'm not a healthy person, so I like the idea of excessive weight loss. It makes me giddy. I'll sit on the john twice a day if need be. Pardon me whilst I shove three sticks of sugar-free gum in my mouth and daydream about sagging, baggy pants.

Once I've procured my Sorbitol, I will post a myriad of recipes. It doesn't brown whilst it cooks, so I'lI plan to go nuts with food colouring (rainbow cake!).

 

A Place to Buy Sorbitol

($9.25 - 7E)

 

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95
Height: 5'4"
I think that's Charmander to the right, screaming "Don't puke on the bed."

Sugar Substitutes

I've been curious about artificial sweeteners for a while now (Stevia, especially), and it's taken me quite some time to dig up enough information to sew all of the bits of information together.

First and foremost: All of these artificial sweeteners have drawbacks, but we'd be doing ourselves a disservice if we didn't first look at sugar. Sugar has a direct link to obesity. It hurts one's heart; it causes diabetes by invoking spikes in blood sugar; it increases one's risk of yeast infection (gross); it increases one's risk of depression (probably due to the sporadic changes in blood sugar that it evokes); and it has strong links to the development of cancer, namely breast cancer and pancreatic cancer.

Before I frighten the fruit junkies like myself, I'd like to state that whilst fruit is quite sugary; soda, ketchup, cookies, cakes, and other miscellanea are much worst catalysts. Fruit is packed with natural fibre and vitamins, whereas granulated sugar is not. When one thinks "fat," one does not think "fruit."

Sugar Substitutes

What's out there?

 

Aspartame: Nutrasweet and Equal

 

Acesulfame Potassium: Sunett

 

D-Tagatose: Sugaree (bit of a misnomer, eh?)

 

Neotame: Usually found incognito, since no label for it is legally necessary

 

Sorbitol: Sugar-free Gum

 

Stevia: Truvia

 

Sucralose: Splenda

 



Aspartame

Pros: It has 0 calories.
Cons: It will probably kill you.

Safety Warning: Aspartame contains a substance that can be metabolized into formaldehyde, and is known to cause cancer in animals.
Miscellaneous side effects: Aspartame may trigger, mimic, or cause the following illnesses:

• Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
• Epstein-Barr
• Post-Polio Syndrome
• Lyme Disease
• Grave’s Disease
• Meniere’s Disease
• Alzheimer’s Disease
• ALS
• Epilepsy
• Multiple Sclerosis (MS)
• EMS
• Hypothyroidism
• Mercury sensitivity from Amalgam fillings
• Fibromyalgia
• Lupus
• Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma
• Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD)

Acesulfame Potassium
Pros: It has 0 calories.
Cons: It causes tumors.

Safety Warning: Acesulfame Potassium has created tumors in the lungs and breasts of rats; and caused chronic respiratory infections.
Miscellaneous side effects:

• Headaches
• Liver complications
• Mental confusion
• Visual impairment
• Renal diseases

Mental confusion...? I sense an after school special.

D-Tagatose
Pros: D-Tagatose naturally occurs in several dairy products, so it's less like a lab concoction.
Cons: It's derived from lactose, so vegans should avoid it.

Safety Warning: Apart from being toxic in very, very large doses (like, your body weight in artificial sweetener, all at once)... it's completely safe.
Miscellaneous side effects: I read through rat studies to find the safety of D-Tagatose. A simple list of side effects really doesn't exist.

Neotame
Pros: It has 0 calories.
Cons: It will most likely kill you in the same fashion as Aspartame will.

Safety Warning: Neotame is Aspartame's chemical cousin, so it poses the same risks as Aspartame does. It's equally poisonous.
Miscellaneous side effects: See 'Aspartame'

Sorbitol
Pros: It's derived from fruit, and it makes gum tasty.
Cons: Although it's low in calories, it is not calorie-free. In higher quantities, it's used as a laxative.

Safety Warning: It's safe!
Miscellaneous side effects: I found this today, and have decided to chew sugar-free gum every day for the rest of my life:

"One patient, a 21-year-old woman, had unexplained [diarrhea] and abdominal pain for eight months. She reported an unintended weight loss of 24 pounds, weighing in at about 90 pounds.

After she was asked about diet, she said she chewed sugar-free gum with sorbitol daily, taking in about 18 to 20 grams a day. One stick typically has 1.25 grams.

Once she eliminated sorbitol from her diet, the gastrointestinal problems stopped and she gained back more than 15 pounds (http://www.webmd.com/diet/news/20080110/sweetener-side-effects-case-histories)"

I don't think that this woman pooped her pounds away.

Stevia
Pros: It has 0 calories, and occurs naturally in the Stevia plant.
Cons: It lowers blood sugar, which has is: a.) bad for diabetics, and b.) bad for quelling cravings

Safety Warning:
Miscellaneous side effects:

• Bloating
• Nausea
• Numbness
• Infertility
• Lowers blood pressure*

* Many people on very restrictive diets run into problems with low blood pressure.

Sucralose
Pros: It has 0 calories. The body digests it as 'food,' as opposed to breaking it down in other odd fashions.
Cons: It has a list of strange side effects.

Safety Warning: Sucralose has not been deemed 'unsafe,' but there's still some contreversy.
Miscellaneous side effects:

• Skin Rashes/Flushing
• Panic-like Agitation
• Dizziness and Numbness
• Diarrhea
• Swelling
• Muscle aches
• Headaches
• Intestinal cramping
• Bladder issues
• Stomach pain

From here on out, I am going to incorporate sorbitol in my recipes as a substitute for sugar, instead of stevia. May we have our cake and eat it, too? ...probably not, but low-calorie hot chocolate that begets weight loss sounds amazing. I'll invent some with my next paycheck (and I'll  keep hunting around for that magical weight loss cake recipe).

 

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95
Height: 5'4"

I've begun a trend of writing posts, and then deleting them later on. As with most things, I blame this on my personal case of the crazies. Manic Depression is a highly esteemed scapegoat (how many times have you heard "I think she's bipolar? [many, right?]").

Negative Calorie Foods

Another confusing subject:

The idea behind negative calorie foods, is that one burns more calories digesting the food than the food itself contains. For example, celery and ice water are are commonly listed as 'negative calorie foods.'

This is not the case. The calories that the body burns during digestion are taken into account when the nutritional information is written. That number of calories is determined by how much time a piece of food takes for our bodies to burn food (literally. scientists light food on fire and measure the time that it takes to burn)... so there is no such thing as a negative calorie food.

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95
Height: 5'4"

Lost and Found

 

 

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95
Height: 5'4"

Icarus

I created a new page for this site, so that I could better seperate my personal blog entries from those related to dieting. This is just a brief snippet from the lot (chosen for no particular reason):

 

In a Fog
July 23, 2012
I’ve referred to being ‘in a fog’ many times, but I’m not sure that I’ve ever actually defined what it’s like to be in a fog. As I am currently in a fog, I’m going to make a meager stride to interpret it… which is no simple task, because the fog is rather overwhelming, and I’d just as soon lie on the floor contemplating the ceiling’s looming lack of tiles.
I’ve been sleeping on and off for a while now, in between shamefully large meals. I’m sure that there’s a lot of psychology behind eating the ‘large meals,’ since I’m normally very particular and obsessive about my diet, but it’s a passing phase and I don’t care enough to dissect it.
Because my family is celebrating Mother’s Day tomorrow, I had to leave my house in order to purchase some compensation for my birth (which really ought to have been a sympathy card). I took a bath before leaving, and then stared at my face for a very long time, wondering whether or not it was appropriate enough to carry on outside.

When things feel heavy, I tend to look at the mirror longer than I can make sense of. One of the most prominent aspects of the ‘fog’ is a state of confusion. My reflection confuses me more than anything, since I’m unable to make a tangible connection between myself and it. I just stare at it in disbelief, wondering whether or not I should take it seriously.

Driving in the fog is dangerous. Everything’s on autopilot, and yet I have this overwhelming sense of apathy which is completely irrational. I begin to ponder certain dangers on the road (explosions, crashes, drive-by’s), and conclude that they may as well happen, since I don’t care either way. If a train flew off of its tracks and sailed in my direction, I’d just watch it, and think, 'Oh, well.'The fog leaves no room for adrenaline. There isn’t happiness in the fog, nor is there hope… nor is there a particular hopelessness, because everything is just very, very dull. I’m able to catch some parts of melancholia within such a state, but it is generally a mental prison.
I’m going to end this blog, because I can’t find any more strength to write it. I’d be eating another ginormous meal right now, if I hadn’t already made a ball out of my moderately-cooked brownie mix, and thrown it over the fence, in an attempt to end my bizarre lack of structured eating.

Icarus

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95

Height: 5'4"

Lucidity and Carrot Soup

I've been very self conscious of my writing lately, which is why my entries have been disappearing and then reappearing. It's difficult for me to trust my lucidity whilst taking a new medication... and for good reason, because the ways that it's effecting me are not normal.  It feels like the air around me is thick, and that my mind is struggling to recall what I've done or should be doing. It's a very 'drugged' feeling. The most peculiar side effect, is that everything is beginning to taste like soap. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet.

I'm going to try to keep my writing more concise whilst I'm trying to get used to the medication, so that I won't second-guess everything. I'm also in the process of moving my personal entries into a solitary page as well, so my editing's moving along more slowly than I'd like it to. I'll be posting recipes daily as well, so there will always be something new here.

A recipe:

Carrot Soup

Calories: 38

(Serves ten)

10 full-length carrots, 5 medium stalks of celery, 2 cloves of garlic, 1 medium onion, 8 cups of water

1. Chop all vegetables into small pieces, then boil them in a pot with eight cups of water.
2. Allow to boil until tender.
3. Let cool, then add garlic to the mix. Puree the soup for a heartier texture. For a smoother texter, use a blender.
4. After blending, add garlic, salt, and pepper (to taste).
5. Reheat and eat!

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95

Height: 5'4"

Losing Weight at Work

I'm heavily medicated right now, so I apologize in advance for the disheveled nature of this blog entry. I'm very near to falling asleep on the keyboard, but I am determined to finish writing this before then.

I work at a clothing store, and stay busy running to and from the shipping room, with racks and trolleys of clothing. I count the lot of it as cardio, which motivates me, since I know (...or think, at least) that I'll weigh less each pay day. I've pulled together a few jobs that offer similar pay-offs:

Part-time Jobs that Burn Calories

1. Retail: As long as you aren't confined to the cash register, working in retail burns about 125 calories per hour. 
2. Guiding Tours: Walking briskly on a tour burns about 189 calories per hour, whereas walking leisurely burns 149 calories.
3. Paintng Homes: As well as strengthening your arms, painting walls burns 251 calories per hour.
4. Construction: Working construction burns around 290 calories every hour.
5. Serving at a Resturaunt: Serving tables consists of a lot of running around wihlst carrying trays, burning roughly 190 calories each hour.

All of the aboves estimates are based on my weight, at 110 ( 7st 8) pounds (49.8 kilos).

 

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95

Height: 5'4"

 

 

 



Sleep is for the Sedated

I slept last night. I slept, and I could not be any more elated than I am to have done so. There is, however, a price to pay for the only sleep that I'll ever catch: Seroquel Sleep.

Seroquel is an antipsychotic, meaning that it fogs over those lovely episodes of psychosis one may experience on his or her 'off' days. Along with this intent, it is a very strong sedative. I imagine that this is because manics are easier to catch whilst they're asleep, as opposed to when they're fleeing the country in their underwear.

My personal problem with Seroquel, however, is not its drug class. It gives me the insatiable munchies for 'junk food.' It pokes the glutton inside of me, and I leap into the grocery store as if possessed, and spend all of my money on food that will eventually give me diabetes. A typical day on Seroquel for me usually rests somewhere between 1,800-4,000 calories. I'm still trying to lose the weight that I gained from my previous experience with it, which was a sprightly twenty pounds. Cheers.

There are other pro's and con's with Seroquel. For instance:
Side effects

Good things:

• Sedation
• Dampers anxiety
• Prevents the fuzzy pink bunnies from coming in through the windows

Bad things:

• Weight gain
• Increased appetite
• Constipation (Note to readers: apples can cure this)
• Dry mouth
• Lethargy

There are more detailed lists of these wonderful traits in the P.D.R. I've chosen those above because they are directly related to weight gain.

Instead of forfeiting right away, I'm going to challenge myself to fight Seroquel's hunger. It's a new week, it's a new slate, and I will not admit defeat to something as pithy as an antipsychotic. Psychosis, shmychosis. Appetie, shmappetite. Weight gain, shmeight gain... this is me missing the Dr. Seuss books that I read as a child.

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95

Height: 5'4"

Tea

A note from the author: Reading back on my "frightening" dream, I've come to the conclusion that it was more humorous to recall than frightening... though in quite the unorthodox manner.

Although it is highly esteemed for the ECGC that it contains, green tea is not the only tea that contributes to weight loss. To break a bit of the monotony (albeit tasty monotony), I've composed a list of other teas that are quite helpful as well. Before this list commences, I would like to note that I'm fond of cats (which has likely made itself apparent by now). They'll be accompanying your tea today.

Oolong Tea

 

Oolong tea boosts the metabolism, along with aiding digestion; strengthening teeth; and complimenting a healthy complexion. It's frequently served at Chinese restaurants, so ordering it with your meal might be a good compliment to strengthening your metabolic rate whilst eating.

Rooibos Tea

Rooibos teas contribute to healthy digestion, as well as providing some comfort to a nagging or sour tummy.

Black Tea

Black teas are handy for a small energy boost, as they contain about 20% of the caffeine present in a cup of coffee. They're also handy for maintaining a healthy circulatory and cardiovascular system.

On a personal note: I had a very unusual eating disordered dream tonight. I have binge dreams on occasion, but this one was much more frightening. I dreamt that I was in a public bathroom, and there were full-length mirrors in every stall. When I noticed the first one, I lifted my shirt as I would normally do to check the shape of my stomach. Of course, it didn't look as I thought that it should, and it threw me into a mad panic. I dashed from stall to stall, examining myself in every mirror. I took balls of toilet paper and tried to wipe my stomach off (I've never done that), but I wasn't able to. I left the restroom eventually, and somehow ended up in an eating disorder clinic which looked like a house. Men greeted me at the door, and assured me that I would be the only person in the clinic. I'd receive all of the help that the staff had to offer, because I'd essentially be in the spotlight. I was terrified, so I broke away from the terror I felt and just... ran. I must have ran far enough to escape the dream, because everything morphed into a new setting with new plots.

I can't properly explain how strange it was to me. It must have been stemmed from the anxiety I've been wrought with whilst miserably sleep-deprived. I need more psych meds.

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95

Height: 5'4"

Photograph

Anxiety of the Grammatically Devoid Nature

I hadn't intended to write anything unrelated to my eating disorder here, but I'm not sure where else to put these feelings. I suppose that they're all interconnected anyway.

I avoid close relationships. Years ago, I recognized that I lose more than I've to gain from their intimacy, and stored my thoughts in a very structured shed. It's protected me, and I haven't traveled back to look for another way to place them.

About an hour ago (my thoughts have been sprinting across glass in the meantime), I noticed a message on my Facebook from someone I used to love. He hurt me astoundingly, and yet he continues to send me romantic notes from time to time... then wipes their ink away, by nothing more than "never mind." Now I have a new note. Just seeing that it exists has really torn me apart. I don't want a note at all. I don't want to be exalted, nor do I want to be bludgeoned like criminal who's done something unspeakably wrong.

I don't care about him anymore in the conventional way, and yet I can't stop my heart from dropping at the idea of reading (knowing) one more terrible thing about myself. I just want to be left alone to dream that compassion exists more vastly than it does. There are so few places where kindness is visible, that I'm hiding. I can't withstand the beatings for much longer. There's hardly anything left of me but flesh.

Weight: 114  113  112  111  110  109  108  107  106  105  104  103  102  101  100  99  98  97  96  95

Height: 5'4"

Food that Promotes Weight Loss

It's taken so much energy for me to stay awake these past few days that my mind has given up on comprehending things. I'm not considerably apathetic nor depressed... just teetering on the edge of dozing off. I don't know how I've been able to socialize functionally at work. I'm going out for a cigarette after posting this, since I see no other option for keeping awake right now (I'm not a frequent smoker [once a month if at all]).

On a less related note: I composed a page called Tips to Trot two nights ago (another lethargic feat), that holds a fairly extensive list of foods that promote dieting; ways to get around binging; and a composition of "don't-s and do-s." Here are some odds and ends from it:

Dairy 

Dairy decreases the body fat stored in your cells by roughly 69%, and also raises your body's core temperature. It has protein as well, which will help you feel full for longer. Just be sure to choose low-fat products, as opposed to cream.

Dairy

Calories: (95 per cup of nonfat milk)
Note from the author: Please purchase organic milk only (these guys are treated pretty badly).

Soup 

Contrary to popular belief, water only stretches the stomach (fills you) for a short period of time. Soup, however, can fill you about an hour longer than solid food can.

Soup

Calories: (varies [usually 160-300 per can, sans cheez-its])

 Spicy Peppers

The capsaicin in peppers decreases appetite and raises body temperature... which increases one's metabolism by 8% for roughly two hours.

Chili Peppers

Calories: (2 per chili pepper)

Black pepper 

Black pepper helps to dissolve fats as well as raising one's body temperature. 

Salt and Pepper

 

Calories: (1 per 1/4 teaspoon)

  Cinnamon  

Cinnamon improves your body's response to insulin, which helps it break down blood sugar.

Cinnamon Spice

 Calories: (6 per teaspoon)

 Disclaimer: I do not recommend eating a cinnamon bun (please knit your cinnamon buns instead).

 Berries 

They're high in fiber, which is very filling. They are also quite low in calories, so you can eat mass quantities of them without damaging your progress.

Black Berries

Calories: (62 per one cup)

 Green tea

It contains antioxidants which help fight infection, and it raises the metabolism. 

  
Japanese Green Tea (that's a ring)

 Calories: (0)

Enjoy!

 Weight: 114  113  112  111  110  109  108  107  106  105  104  103  102  101  100  99  98  97  96  95
Height: 5'4" 

   <- An emotional illustration (not just a representation of tea consumption)

Treat Day

This was not a successful day. I'd really like to run backwards. 

I decided to tread in the footsteps of an acquaintance of mine, and pencil a 'treat day' into my weeks. Unlike his indulgence (I hope), my treat day quickly evolved into my chaotic spiral of gluttony and retribution. A good treat day should consist of drinks and lovely desserts, chumming about with a hodgepodge of friends. My treat day wasn't like that. I ate alone with the door locked, and was psychologically scorned by shock and self-loathing. 

Despite my downfall, I'd like to try this scheduled indulgence (as opposed to mindless self indulgence) again. The more that I analyze the concept of having a day to look forward to, the wiser it sounds. If I can learn to compartmentalize the parts of my thoughts that lead me to binging, then I may be able to give them a place in my life without being controlled by them.

In order to actually make this plausible, I need to change 'treat day, to an adventure at Starbucks (...for pumpkin spiced lattes). When I binge on sweets, I feel full and lethargic... which is as miserable as depression to me. I'm used to feeling hungry, so it's a comfortable place for me. It's better for me to drink my calories instead of chewing them.


I should have posted this picture for Halloween yesterday. Nonetheless:

Happy Day-After-Halloween!
 Weight: 114  113  112  111  110  109  108  107  106  105  104  103  102  101  100  99  98  97  96  95
Height: 5'4" 

The Perfect Fall

I'm not entirely sure where to begin this blog, knowing that it will be a very personal collection of the thoughts which I usually keep locked somewhere.

Instead of listing my interests and quirks (indeed there are quite a few), I'll lend a very simple mission statement: I will be 95 pounds by December. My desire and will to do so are simple. I want to look like myself.

Peculiar or not, that self is very small. She doesn't live in this world of bustling streets and buildings that sit bloated, crass, and crowded... so it matters not how she looks through another pair of eyes. She only has streams and springs of rain-water to look into. Her reflections upon these bodies aren't as they should be.

No matter how much time must pass, nor how far the journey takes her, she will find the right water to glance upon. Perhaps she'll find herself when she shines a lamp down a well. Perhaps she'll see her figure, flawless in the sunshine of a still lake.

She'll dance through the light until her perfect portrait looks upon her from the water. She'll travel to nine-million waterfalls until one of them shows her her reflection. Where the white waters run still and silent, she'll appear in the perfect fall. 

A small note: There are, in fact, nine-million waterfalls in the world.

Weight: 114  113  112  111  110  109  108  107  106  105  104  103  102  101  100  99  98  97  96  95

Height: 5'4"