Sorbitol

After digging through pages of odd (mostly odd) and droll facts about artificial sweeteners, I finally found a favorite: Sorbitol. Sorbitol is the only substitute that actually caused weight loss, unlike its less friendly peers... the lot of which often cause cancer.

I found a more readable article recently, warning about the "dangerously excessive weight loss." linked to Sorbitol. It warns that Sorbitol has a laxative effect in large quantities... which is probably why it's used  as a laxative. I've mentioned this a few times, but I feel like it would be remiss not to reiterate it: Laxatives do not cause weight loss. Poop indicates that the digestive process is finished, no mater how it's excreted. You cannot poop away calories. That being said, there must be another reason why Sorbitol that causes weight loss.

 

Read the Article Here

 

The people who took part in the study ate about fifteen sticks of sugar free gum per day, which seems to be the magical amount of Sorbitol to induce poopies and excessive weight loss. I'm not a healthy person, so I like the idea of excessive weight loss. It makes me giddy. I'll sit on the john twice a day if need be. Pardon me whilst I shove three sticks of sugar-free gum in my mouth and daydream about sagging, baggy pants.

Once I've procured my Sorbitol, I will post a myriad of recipes. It doesn't brown whilst it cooks, so I'lI plan to go nuts with food colouring (rainbow cake!).

 

A Place to Buy Sorbitol

($9.25 - 7E)

 

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95
Height: 5'4"
I think that's Charmander to the right, screaming "Don't puke on the bed."

Thanksgiving

When I first began this blog, I composed a short list of tips for eating with one's family. I'm posting a link here to help anyone who's stressed about Thanksgiving:

Table Manners

 

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Breathe... and remember that you won't have to deal with it again for another year.

A recipe:

Pumpkin Pie Tartlettes

Calories: 64

(Serves 16)

Sixteen 2 and 1/2-inch foil baking cups, nonstick cooking spray, 9 tsp stevia (18 packets), 1 tbsp cornstarch, 1 tsp ground cinnamon, 1/2 tsp ground ginger, 1/2 tsp salt, 2 large egg whites, 1 can (15 oz.) pumpkin puree, 1 can (12 oz.) evaporated fat-free milk, 1 cup fat-free whipped topping, 12 small gingersnap cookies (broken into 1/4-inch pieces)

1. Preheat oven to 350º F. Place the baking cups on a baking sheet with sides. Spray each cup with cooking spray.
2. Combine sugar, cornstarch, cinnamon, ginger and salt in small bowl. Beat the egg whites in a large bowl. Stir in the  pumpkin and sugar (stevia) mixture. Gradually stir in evaporated milk. Spoon 1/4 to 1/3 cup of mixture into each prepared cup.
3. Bake for 25 to 28 minutes or until done. Cool on baking sheet for 20 minutes. Refrigerate for at least 1 hour. 
4. Decorate each tartlette with whipped topping and gingersnap crumbs, then serve!

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95

Height: 5'4"

 

Sleep is for the Sedated

I slept last night. I slept, and I could not be any more elated than I am to have done so. There is, however, a price to pay for the only sleep that I'll ever catch: Seroquel Sleep.

Seroquel is an antipsychotic, meaning that it fogs over those lovely episodes of psychosis one may experience on his or her 'off' days. Along with this intent, it is a very strong sedative. I imagine that this is because manics are easier to catch whilst they're asleep, as opposed to when they're fleeing the country in their underwear.

My personal problem with Seroquel, however, is not its drug class. It gives me the insatiable munchies for 'junk food.' It pokes the glutton inside of me, and I leap into the grocery store as if possessed, and spend all of my money on food that will eventually give me diabetes. A typical day on Seroquel for me usually rests somewhere between 1,800-4,000 calories. I'm still trying to lose the weight that I gained from my previous experience with it, which was a sprightly twenty pounds. Cheers.

There are other pro's and con's with Seroquel. For instance:
Side effects

Good things:

• Sedation
• Dampers anxiety
• Prevents the fuzzy pink bunnies from coming in through the windows

Bad things:

• Weight gain
• Increased appetite
• Constipation (Note to readers: apples can cure this)
• Dry mouth
• Lethargy

There are more detailed lists of these wonderful traits in the P.D.R. I've chosen those above because they are directly related to weight gain.

Instead of forfeiting right away, I'm going to challenge myself to fight Seroquel's hunger. It's a new week, it's a new slate, and I will not admit defeat to something as pithy as an antipsychotic. Psychosis, shmychosis. Appetie, shmappetite. Weight gain, shmeight gain... this is me missing the Dr. Seuss books that I read as a child.

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95

Height: 5'4"

Gracie

I've been lazing around my house and stuffing my face all day. Missing nearly an entire night's sleep never falls short of throwing my brain into a chaotic mess. When I'm influenced by insomnia, my thoughts channel themselves through crossed wires, and their fragments rattle around in my head like pins... none of which assist my ability to understand logic.

I can't conceive doing anything remotely mindful whilst I'm sleep deprived. I don't care to write as much, reading is a tedious strain, painting is nonsense, and leaving the house is just pretentious (Motivation? My, aren't we special.). With all other options for entertainment tossed from my sight, the television becomes my separate universe. I glue myself to the couch, find Supersize vs. Superskinny on Youtube, hook my monitor to the T.V. screen... and then commence snacking, because my choice in doing so (or not) is out of my hands by this point. If I didn't own a television, I'm confident that I'd be well under ninety pounds (in all honesty, eating elsewhere makes me uncomfortable).


I visited my parents' house whilst they were out, so that I could pick up dinner for myself and Gracie [pictured latter]. They've had a half-gallon of Cookies & Cream frozen yogurt in their freezer for about two weeks now. Although I haven't touched it (god forbid... one of us wouldn't last such an encounter), I know that they haven't taken more than a spoonful from it. Ice cream has always been my binge food, and this particular brand of Cookies & Cream is a favorite of mine; but tonight, instead of nabbing it out of the freezer, I brought back applesauce, edamame, and protein bread. I opened the freezer, I saw it, and I shunned it. I am victorious! I have beaten Cookies & Cream ice cream.

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95

Height: 5'4" 



Photograph

Food to Graze Upon

I'm making note of these for my next trip to the grocery store (such trips are sincerely the highlight of my day).

Fruit and Veg Under 50 Calories

Each count per 100 grams:

• Watercress: 11 calories
• Cucumber (peeled): 12 calories
• Lettuce: 13-16 calories
• Radishes: 14-18 calories
• Tomatoes: 15-20 calories
• Celery: 16 calories
• Chard: 16 calories
• Cabbage: 16-31 calories
• Green peppers: 20 calories
• Lemons (with peel): 20 calories 
• White mushrooms: 22 calories
• Beets: 22 calories
• Alfalfa seeds: 23 calories
• Cilantro: 23 calories
• Spinach: 23 calories
• Cabbage: 24 calories
• Eggplant: 24 calories
• Asparagus: 25 calories
• Cauliflower: 25 calories
• Portabella mushrooms: 26 calories
• Red peppers: 26 calories
• Pumpkin: 26 calories
• Bamboo shoots: 27 calories
• Banana peppers: 27 calories
• Yellow peppers: 27 calories
• Broccoli: 28 calories
• Turnips: 28 calories
• Chives: 30 calories
• Collards: 30 calories
• Pink grapefruit: 30 calories
• Limes: 30 calories
• Watermelon: 30 calories
• Green beans: 31 calories
• Okra: 31 calories
• Serrano peppers: 32 calories
• Strawberries: 32 calories
• Sweet onions: 32 calories
• White grapefruit: 33 calories
• Broccoli: 34 calories
• Cantaloupe: 34 calories
• Green onions: 34 calories
• Baby carrots: 35 calories
• Oyster mushrooms: 35 calories
• Seaweed: 35 calories
• Honeydew melons: 36 calories
• Turnips: 36 calories
• Papayas: 39 calories
• Peaches: 39 calories
• Green chili peppers: 40 calories
• Red chili peppers: 40 calories
• Carrots: 41 calories
• Asian pears: 42 calories
• Podded peas: 42 calories
• Beets: 43 calories
• Blackberries: 43 calories
• Brussels sprouts: 43 calories
• Nectarines: 44 calories
• Pineapple: 45 calories
• Cranberries: 46 calories
• Oranges: 46 calories
• Plums: 46 calories
• Artichokes: 47 calories
• Clementines: 47 calories
• Apples (peeled): 48 calories
• Apricots: 48 calories
• Navel oranges: 49 calories
• Cherries: 50 calories

Weight: 114  113  112  111  110  109  108  107  106  105  104  103  102  101  100  99  98  97  96  95

Height: 5'4"

Hair Care whilst Restricting

I've read a lot about this, because I've been dying my hair compulsively for the past six years. Before I was permitted to do so, I colored it with sharpies. On numerous occasions, I was scolded for leaving colored sharpie scribbles on my desks, which wouldn't come out no matter how much cleaning product I was forced to use. It's an irrational passion.

...so here are some things that hair needs:

Nutrients

The common cause of hair loss in a restrictive diet, is a lack of nutrients. Specifically:

Iron: Iron is usually consumed in meat, but as a vegetarian, I have different suggestions. Instead, try soybeans, broccoli, nuts, raisins, tofu and enriched 'concoctions (such as breakfast cereal and bulky energy drinks)'.
Vitamin A: Vitamin A is easy to stumble upon. It's in lettuce, carrots, apricots, sweet potatoes, and a variety of peppers.
Vitamin B: I'll be the first to offer this nutritional advice: there's a plethora of vitamin B (niacin) in energy drinks. It's a brain 'food,' which boosts mental clarity. Monster Rehab is all over that.
Zinc and Selenium: One may find zinc in leafy green veg, nuts (which are also high in iron), beans, whole grains, hemp, and various... meats.

Obviously, anyone who is restricting his or her calories will be deficient in nutrients, because there just isn't enough food. For instance,  it's recommended that one has twelve milligrams of zinc daily. In order to meet that standard, one would need to consume about 280 calories worth of wheat germ daily. There is never anything wrong with 280 calories... but for me, that's a meal. I don't want to sit down with a bowl of plain wheat germ and spoon it in. Multivitamins are necessary, especially if you're taking in less than 1,500 calories daily.

Hair Care

Hair should be conditioned properly. Even if you can't afford fancy conditioner, you can give nourishment back into your damaged hair. Follow these steps once a week:

1. After bathing, towel dry your hair.
2. Apply conditioner to it, being attentive to your 'split ends (coat them well).'
3. Wait around for about fifteen minutes, allowing the conditioner to settle.
4. Rinse and resume life as usual. 

The best structure that's worked for my hair, is to massage my scalp, and wash my hair as little as possible. If I was able to spend a week alone in my house (which is often, since company makes me anxious), I would spend it with dirty hair. Wash your hair once every two days, and regularly stimulate your hair follicles by massaging your scalp with your fingertips.

Best wishes!

Weight: 114  113  112  111  110  109  108  107  106  105  104  103  102  101  100  99  98  97  96  95

Height: 5'4"

Good News

I'm excited to  be ninety-five pounds in two months, which is a very new thought process for me. I'm a stranger to such positivity. In the past, I pined over ice cream and awaited the pattern of suffering my cravings before reaping their aftermath... shaking with terror and anticipation. Lately, I'm optimistic. This is better than a pithy reprieve from insanity. This is happiness. I know that placing all of this in the past tense won't bar me from melancholia, but it couldn't hurt (it can't...)

...and yet despite all of this positivity, I still feel like I should be eternally asleep, because staying awake is such an admirable feat for me. I feel dumb in front of the keyboard, and my mind tells me that I'm writing drivel... but I can't curb it, because I can only feign interest in things of substance. I feel like a log. I'm a lagging log. I'm a logging laggard. This is the sort of nonsense that's looping through my brain.   

Even more nonsensical than looping logging laggards, is good news:

 I lost two pounds.

Yes! 

What does this prove? It proves that chronic laziness can beget weight loss. This is a brilliant discovery, and surely a breakthrough for the scientific community (who are really more preoccupied with diet than they ought to be). I'm ready for you skeptics!

Weight: 114  113  112  111  110  109  108  107  106  105  104  103  102  101  100  99  98  97  96  95

Height: 5'4"

Leave a Loner

I'm spending most of my time asleep with the cat, because there isn't enough caffeine in the world to keep me awake for more than six hours. Since my brain has become a ball of fluff, I'm going to share an older journal entry of mine... that may or may not still lack luster. I'm too tired to read it. 

A Journal Entry:
I believe that most people view one’s desire to be alone as an admission of insanity. As someone who has been a loner for as far back as my memory serves, I doubt that there is anything else behind the quirk, apart from finding crowds and prolonged engagements distasteful and/or draining.
I shop at Walmart because it’s open during the odd hours- the time where very few people venture out of their hovels and into the florescent lighting that illuminates the cheap, coveted spoils perched beneath it. If I plan on retiring to bed at a decent time, I leave my house after ten. I’ll often arrive just barely late enough to beat the minimum wage rush hour (retail stores usually close at nine in the evening as opposed to the office jobs that end at five). My habit is usually flawless, and I’m left alone to do my shopping without being shoved or squeezing through blubber, just to get a roll of paper towels.
My method was foiled recently, in the worst possible way. I went to Walmart for groceries the other night, stopping into a different location out of curiosity. It was mostly deserted, which was appealing. I made it through the doors and got about seven feet in before I was approached by a young man, who asked me if he could use his food stamps for my purchase in exchange for cash. He told me that he would buy me five dollars worth of additional groceries for my trouble. I politely declined and he badgered on. Finally, I told him that I wanted to be left alone because I had had one of ‘those days (the term which is universally accepted, but never defined),’ and so he left me and went elsewhere.
It wasn’t long before I was bothered by his wife, who wanted baby formula. She had a sob story. I listened, all the while feeling as though long, tiny screws were being drilled into my head. When that was over, I went to the register to purchase my things, which were no longer as appealing as they could have been, had I wandered about on my own accord without all of the unnecessary mental anguish. They were dirtied and just as worn from it all as I was. At the register, the cashier wanted to know where I was from and who I was… blah, blah, blah. I don’t think that I actually said any coherent words to the people who spoke to me that night. I believe that I responded with a series of barely audible Ah‘s and Eh’s and No…’s.

 There isn't much else to the story, so I'll shuffle to work instead of committing further ramblings.

Weight: 114  113  112  111  110  109  108  107  106  105  104  103  102  101  100  99  98  97  96  95

Height: 5'4"

A Splendid Hot Chocolate

I'm proud of myself for carrying on well over the past two days. Although it doesn't sound like a momentous feat, it's something that I couldn't see for myself during my cycle of binging and being sick. Having a net of 600 instead of my prior 2,000-5,000 calorie frenzies is significant enough to laud (or to apply laud to [applaud...!]). If I can manage to avoid ice cream for a month, I might be able to meat my 95-pound goal by Christmas. I can't envision a better present. If I receive a bit of money to add to my savings toward a keyboard, I'll be ecstatic.

A New Concoction:

Mix: 

• one packet of Diet Swiss Miss hot chocolate (25 calories) 
• one tablespoon of sugar free raspberry jam (10 calories)
• 1/4 cup of nonfat organic milk (22 calories)

Calories in total: 57

Weight: 114  113  112  111  110  109  108  107  106  105  104  103  102  101  100  99  98  97  96  95

 Height: 5'4"

Anxiety of the Grammatically Devoid Nature

I hadn't intended to write anything unrelated to my eating disorder here, but I'm not sure where else to put these feelings. I suppose that they're all interconnected anyway.

I avoid close relationships. Years ago, I recognized that I lose more than I've to gain from their intimacy, and stored my thoughts in a very structured shed. It's protected me, and I haven't traveled back to look for another way to place them.

About an hour ago (my thoughts have been sprinting across glass in the meantime), I noticed a message on my Facebook from someone I used to love. He hurt me astoundingly, and yet he continues to send me romantic notes from time to time... then wipes their ink away, by nothing more than "never mind." Now I have a new note. Just seeing that it exists has really torn me apart. I don't want a note at all. I don't want to be exalted, nor do I want to be bludgeoned like criminal who's done something unspeakably wrong.

I don't care about him anymore in the conventional way, and yet I can't stop my heart from dropping at the idea of reading (knowing) one more terrible thing about myself. I just want to be left alone to dream that compassion exists more vastly than it does. There are so few places where kindness is visible, that I'm hiding. I can't withstand the beatings for much longer. There's hardly anything left of me but flesh.

Weight: 114  113  112  111  110  109  108  107  106  105  104  103  102  101  100  99  98  97  96  95

Height: 5'4"

Turning from the Chasm

I've been very distracted with repossessing control as of late, so I find myself on this endless pursuit of ways to vanquish my binging. I'm no stranger to my dominion. I'm very good at losing weight, but it's been so difficult for me to do so with any level of consistency over the past four months.

I think that negativity has a large roll in my mistakes, if not to blame completely... so I'm going to keep nurturing my structure with positivity. I'll fill these pages with creative lists and encouragement for myself. I want this to be uplifting, as well as honest. I won't lie when I trip on the cracks in the road, but I'm not going to complain about them until I expect (and allow) myself to fall into a gaping chasm. No one can 'snap out' of melancholy, nor can one avoid being shadowed by a mood entirely... but I think that we can all nourish our self-esteem over time.

Keeping all of the above in mind, I'm going to compose a more goal-oriented post either tomorrow or this evening. I took some 'before' pictures for my weight loss earlier (despite the process being daunting), and it really inspired me. My weight looks astonishingly average from the pictures, so I feel like it will be easier for me to drop the seventeen pounds than I'd originally thought. It's harder for me to conceptualize weight loss when I think that I look freakishly obese.

 Weight: 114  113  112  111  110  109  108  107  106  105  104  103  102  101  100  99  98  97  96  95
Height: 5'4" 

Treat Day

This was not a successful day. I'd really like to run backwards. 

I decided to tread in the footsteps of an acquaintance of mine, and pencil a 'treat day' into my weeks. Unlike his indulgence (I hope), my treat day quickly evolved into my chaotic spiral of gluttony and retribution. A good treat day should consist of drinks and lovely desserts, chumming about with a hodgepodge of friends. My treat day wasn't like that. I ate alone with the door locked, and was psychologically scorned by shock and self-loathing. 

Despite my downfall, I'd like to try this scheduled indulgence (as opposed to mindless self indulgence) again. The more that I analyze the concept of having a day to look forward to, the wiser it sounds. If I can learn to compartmentalize the parts of my thoughts that lead me to binging, then I may be able to give them a place in my life without being controlled by them.

In order to actually make this plausible, I need to change 'treat day, to an adventure at Starbucks (...for pumpkin spiced lattes). When I binge on sweets, I feel full and lethargic... which is as miserable as depression to me. I'm used to feeling hungry, so it's a comfortable place for me. It's better for me to drink my calories instead of chewing them.


I should have posted this picture for Halloween yesterday. Nonetheless:

Happy Day-After-Halloween!
 Weight: 114  113  112  111  110  109  108  107  106  105  104  103  102  101  100  99  98  97  96  95
Height: 5'4" 

Winter Groceries

I'm getting my first paycheck in the longest time this Friday, and I've crafted a winter shopping list in its honor. I usually eat very monotonously structured meals, so I'm going to branch out as much as I can.

Atop those ambitions, I will bring things into my house that have never graced my drawers before. I will bring condiments...! This is groundbreaking.

Winter Shopping List

• Diet Swiss Miss hot chocolate (25 calories)
• Smucker's sugar-free raspberry jam (10 calories)
• Orville Redenbacher's 'movie theater' butter popcorn (70 calories)
• 2 'McIntosh' apples (55 calories each)
• 3 Peaches (59 calories each)
• Butter-flavored spray (0 calories)
• Cinnamon (0 calories)
• Garlic powder (0 calories)
• Amy's organic 'pasta and 3-bean' soup (130 calories)
• Del Monte '100% juice' tropical fruit salad  (60 calories)
• ...and a carton of 'Pet' fat-free milk (90 calories)

Weight: 114  113  112  111  110  109  108  107  106  105  104  103  102  101  100  99  98  97  96  95
Height: 5'4" 

 

Table Manners

I'm moving back in with my parents in December, which means that I'll be surrounded by 'binge food.'

My mom has this peculiar habit of buying sweets (cookies, brownie mix, ridiculously fattening ice cream bars, etc.), and then not eating them. I remember going into my parents' house a few months back, due to being possessed by a holy plight to conquer every bit of junk food in the world. When I reached the kitchen, I was both elated and frightened when I found four boxes of brownie mix in the pantry. There were walnut brownies, fudge brownies, peanut butter brownies, dark chocolate brownies--all just lying in wait. I gathered them and dashed home, then exuberantly baked about half of the loot in the oven. The other halves were eaten raw, in-between intervals of ice cream. It was a festival of sorts. Soon, I will be physically amongst all of that junk. I really can't imagine holding onto my sanity.

Along with being amidst of the rubbish in the kitchen, I must partake in a mandatory nightly feeding.
My parents are 'dinner people.' My mom prepares food each night, and everyone sits around the table to enjoy it. Refusing to take part isn't just suspicious- it's selfish. We spend about an hour conversing  and stabbing at my fated foe (...food). Throughout the meal, the time leaves every plate open for  scrutiny. Each leftover is accounted for, despite any lacking motive to do so. It's all seen. For someone with an eating disorder, it is utter hell.

I developed some tips for myself, which I hope will provide some structure and make things a touch less overwhelming. I'll have to give them a few test-runs before I move in so that I can fix any flaws in the endeavor. I hope that they're helpful to all of you as well!

Avoid Overeating at the Table 

1. Opt for a small plate.
2. Drink water before the meal.
3. Eat slowly.
4. Do not push your food around your plate for hours. Set your utensils down periodically instead. It often settles the anxiety to take a break.
5. When serving yourself, choose small amounts of food. If you must, splurge on the veg.
6. Chew your food adequately.
7. Skip the condiments. 
8. Talk until you can hear yourself being annoying, and take charge of the conversations. Dazzle those table friends with your charisma! You forgot to eat? Well, it's cold now... better save it.

Weight: 114  113  112  111  110  109  108  107  106  105  104  103  102  101  100  99  98  97  96  95

Height: 5'4"

The Perfect Fall

I'm not entirely sure where to begin this blog, knowing that it will be a very personal collection of the thoughts which I usually keep locked somewhere.

Instead of listing my interests and quirks (indeed there are quite a few), I'll lend a very simple mission statement: I will be 95 pounds by December. My desire and will to do so are simple. I want to look like myself.

Peculiar or not, that self is very small. She doesn't live in this world of bustling streets and buildings that sit bloated, crass, and crowded... so it matters not how she looks through another pair of eyes. She only has streams and springs of rain-water to look into. Her reflections upon these bodies aren't as they should be.

No matter how much time must pass, nor how far the journey takes her, she will find the right water to glance upon. Perhaps she'll find herself when she shines a lamp down a well. Perhaps she'll see her figure, flawless in the sunshine of a still lake.

She'll dance through the light until her perfect portrait looks upon her from the water. She'll travel to nine-million waterfalls until one of them shows her her reflection. Where the white waters run still and silent, she'll appear in the perfect fall. 

A small note: There are, in fact, nine-million waterfalls in the world.

Weight: 114  113  112  111  110  109  108  107  106  105  104  103  102  101  100  99  98  97  96  95

Height: 5'4"