Eating Disorder Evaluation

This is the most thorough evaluation that I've seen on the internet regarding the severity or possibility that one may or many not have an eating disorder:

The Assignment

I received a 48.2

Please send me some comments so that I have something to compare that too.

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106 105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95

Height: 5'4"

Points: XXI

I'm going to experiement a bit with my next paycheck, and try a variety of diet pills so that I can report back the drawbacks and benefits of each of them. I'm a bit of my own lab rat. I have Hoodia already, which I've recently neglected... so I'll revisit that one first. Then I may give Reservatrol one more go, assuming that the panic attack that I suffered after taking it was coincidental (that happens often). I'm looking forward to it!

Why McDonald's Makes Us Fat

I think that fast food is misunderstood, so I'd like to clarify why it's linked with obesity:

Why McDonald's Makes Us Fat

When one eats at a place like McDonald's, one is purchasing food that is comprised almost solely of fat, salt, fillers (additives that help bulk up the weight of food with cheap ingredients), and sugar. Nearly every meal on a fast food menu is devoid of nutrients.

When we're hungry, we crave food. Mentally, we crave sugar, salt, and fats, because those components ignite the dopamine in our brains (those same 'happy' chemicals that are stimulated by narcotics). Like junkies in a the land of plenty, we seek our fatty fixes... we're instantaneously happy.

Unfortunately, these 'fixes' are devoid of nutrients, which actually fill the body and satiate our hunger. We eat this junk, and then our bodies are hungry hours later, because we haven't been properly fed. The cravings return, we misinterpret them (again), and then we go back to McDonald's for our 'Happy Meals.' It's simple, and it's ludicrous. Ronald McDonald should be behind bars for making his customers morbidly obese. I never look at a very overweight person and see laziness. I see addiction.

 The McDonald's cycle: Hunger-> Cravings-> (food high) Hunger again, due to lack of proper nutrition> Cravings-> (food high), etc.

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106 105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95

Height: 5'4"

Points:  V

Another Lumpin Loner

I wasn't keen on visiting my parents' house to pick up my tax returns (If I prove that I'm exceptionally poor to the Y, they give me a discount), so I didn't get my gym membership today. It overwhelms me to talk to people after work, since my job involves constant communication... so- after my shift is over- I feel compelled to avoid all who expect me to converse for much longer than a few minutes. For fair example: my phone is currently brimming with texts that 'beep,' and I want to throw it against the wall, so forcefully that it breaks through the plaster... and I would throw it at the wall, if I didn't depend on it to allow me to read blogs and count calories. I know that the people who try to reach me only mean well, but I'm so accustomed to being alone that being constantly bothered is just maddeningly grating.

I'm starting a liquid fast when I wake up tomorrow, because I'm round and unhappy. I'm hoping to be asleep before then. Buying clothes today was a bit traumatic.

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106 105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95

Height: 5'4"

Points:  V

Walruses

This blog is a nearly perfect a stereotype for bipolar writing. I log in to this; write a lengthy array of all-too intently researched blog entries; and then disappear for days, without leaving anything more intelligible than an apology for my prolonged absence. I'll try to update this daily (or nightly) from here on.

I'm going to renew my membership at the Y.M.C.A. tomorrow, which should at least give me the motivation to stop moping around the house. I was ninety-seven pounds when I last frequented the gym. I remember a time when I left one of my cycling classes, and a woman told me that I should "please come back" because I was "an inspiration (whilst I'm thinking Okay, nutty... see this stomach? Prominent. It inspires walruses, not aspiring athletes)." Of course, I'm fat now and have lost my bragging rights... but damn it, I'll get them back!

I'd like to add something more substantial to this entry, but it's well past my bedtime... so good night for now, loves. 

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106 105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95

Height: 5'4"
Points: V

Vitamins for Restricted Diets

I'm going on a very long overdue scavanging excursion today, to hunt for vitamins that should properly accompany my diet. Despite the cornocopia of fruit that I consume daily, my diet is far from healthy. If ever I dip below 1,000 calories in a day, I feel very faint.

I remember going to the store once for food, and then feeling suddenly overwhelmed by nausea and dizziness. I walked to the health section of the store with my head down (my meager attempt to prevent myself from collapsing), and intrepidly snatched a bottle of iron supplements from the shelves. I then wobbled to the register- still with my head down (I must have looked mental)- and then payed for the pills... shortly before unwrapping them, and then frantically popping them into my mouth like a junky on withdrawal (I was mere steps away from the register, still staring at the ground).

I was on the S.G.D. at that time, and I don't want to chance the same ridiculous ordeal happening whilst I'm at work (my job is physically demmanding). ...so I'm planning ahead by buying vitamins like these:

Vitamins for Restricted Diets

• Women's Multivitamins. A multivitamin contains a broad spectrum of vitamins that are necessary for us to live healthily. Women multivitamins often contain more iron and calcium than their ordinary counterparts, which are necessary for healthy bones, hair, and nails... and for preventing dizziness, as well as a host of other unfortunate results of iron deficiency.
• Omega 3 Supplements. Omega 3's help prevent cardiovascular problems and depression... both of which are often dangerous results of a very low calorie diet (especially for bulimics). Omega 3's also boost the brain, as do other 'good' fats (like coconut, nuts, flax seeds [which contain Omega 3], etc.)
• Antioxidents. People who follow a very low calorie diet are often deficient in antioxidents, which are necessary to fight infections. An antioxident supplement will fill the gap.

A Tip: be sure to take a bit of fatty food with your vitamins. Although it sounds unpleasant, it's necessary in order for your vitamins to be absorbed into your body. Whilst some vitamins are water soluble, other vitamins are fat soluble... and, let's be honest: low-fat diets are quite unhealthy in general.

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95
Height: 5'4"

Fruit-sicles

These look amazing. I'm going to make a batch of them this Friday:

Frozen Fruit Pops

Calories: 30 per pop

 

Ingredients:

1/3 cup diced kiwi (36)

1/3 cup diced watermelon (15)

1/3 cup diced strawberries (15)

1/3 cup diced pineapple (26)

1/4 cup fresh orange juice (28)

Instruction:

1. Combine the diced fruit in a bowl and fill each 5 oz cup with fruit.
2. Add 1 tbsp of juice and insert craft sticks into each cup. (they stay in place nicely because of the lot of fruit).
3. Place pops into the freezer for a few hours, or until firm.
4. To remove the pops from the cups, run the cups under warm water for a few seconds.
5. ...and voila! Bon Appetit (practicing my [lack of] French today).  

 

 

(Serves four)

 

Today was my first day starting the S.G.D... which went remarkably well, since I spent most of my day having a panic attack Mental illness is such a lovely accompaniment to a proper diet.

I remember calling out of work, and babbling into the phone about some severe case of vertigo that was "causing the walls to cave in around me..." which was partly true, because the walls really were slanting and bending forward. I decided that it was best to conceal the real cause, since calling out because "I'm mentally ill," seemed detrimental to my career.

 

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95
Height: 5'4" 

Don't Take Resveratrol

I'm quite concerned about my mental state at the moment, for it seems that Resveratrol (an ambiguous diet pill) has made me very ill. I'm dizzy, my heart is pounding, my head is heavy, and my stomach is nagging at me to purge all of these foreign chemicals from my body. The walls are drawing nearer to me... but this must be nothing more than a panic attack. It needs to be a panic attack. I refuse to miss work. I need these hours; this stupid money. I just spent fifteen dollars on a sweetener for Christ's sake (or Buddha's, or Vishnu's [I love Hinduism], or for whomever's you fancy)!

I didn't intend the former to be the subject of this post, but writing puts me more so at more at ease than babbling about the gym. ...so (my meager attempt to add dieting advice), the loose moral of this story:

Don't take Resveratrol-

especially if you need to drive to work and competently converse and fold clothes for six hours.



 

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95
Height: 5'4"



Nighty Night

It's the end of the day, which marks the end of my diet, which freed me from my cravings. I no longer feel like Atlas (assuming that Atlas carried brownies on his back instead of the Earth).

I'm starting the S.G.D (Skinny Girl Diet) tomorrow, partly because the only fruit that's left in my cupboards are two kiwis (which would turn my regimented fruit salads into two very boring bowls of kiwi)... and because it must be started on a Monday, which is too convenient to ignore:

• Additional Rules:
  
  
  
  
  • Eat as many fruits and veggies as you'd like, without counting them as calories.
  • Excercise for thirty minutes, for five days each week.
  • Burn off any calories that are over the limit

To anyone who would like to join me: I'm creating a progress page specifically for the S.G.D. and will be updating it daily. You're welcome to record your own progress in the comment boxes (strength in numbers!).

This diet brought me down to ninety-six pounds when I last embarked on it, which is one pound shy of my goal weight. I fell off of the wagon after the first few weeks, because I was naive enough to have a bowl of ice cream (always my binge trigger). Everything went downhill rather quickly. Oreos and Brownie mix were later involved.


Not that it's of renown importance, but I'm removing the advertisement from my sidebar. Although I'm not projecting anything negative or harmful in this blog (positivity encourages weight loss; negativity only encourages depression), I still feel paranoid that it might be shut down, on the premise that this is a weight loss blog written by a girl who went mad a thousand years ago. I'm also bothered by the idea of making a profit from the number of people who read my journal. There's something iniquitous about that.

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95
Height: 5'4"

Winter Soups

I love winter dearly. I keep the heat off in my house so that I can snuggle under the covers, sipping hot chocolate; burried under the warmth of my laptop (which is likely a sign that it is overheating, but it's been kindly resilient over the years).

In honor of warm accompaniments:

Low Calorie Soups

(I've provided some vegetarian alternatives for the particularly low calorie options)

Vegan Tomato Basil Pasta Soup

By: Dr. Mcdougall

Calories: 100

Chunky Tomato Soup

By: Dr. Mcdougall

Calories: 90

Light in Sodium Organic Minestrone Soup

By: Amy's

Calories: 90

Cup-A-Soup Spring Vegetable

By: Lipton

Calories: 45

Fat-Free Cup-A-Soup Chicken Broth

By: Lipton

Calories: 18

Healthy Request Tomato Soup

By: Campbell's

 Calories: 90

Chicken Style Consomme Instant Soup

By: Osem

Calories: 15

Vegetable Soup

By: Osem

Calories: 50

I've been grappling with my sanity today, and am finding it difficult to hold to the Russian Gymnast Diet. I know that tomorrow will be easier, since I always lose my appetite the day after falling asleep whilst hungry. It's that first hurdle- the first day of structure- that's hard for me to follow whenever a cycle of binging proceeds it. It isn't easy to pull oneself out of that cyclic spiral, because the cravings tend to linger on.

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95
Height: 5'4"

The Experiment

My mind's having some difficulty coping with my fasting endeavor, so I'm going to take up the Russian Gymnast Diet for a while instead (I finally have money to buy fruit again!).

I've altered it somewhat, but it's still structured the same way:

The R.G.D (a).
The Russian Gymnast Diet (altered)

Breakfast: One glass of either orange or apple juice

Lunch: Fruit Salad (comprised of either four fruits, or two fruits and one banana), with one cup of fruit juice.

Dinner: One apple, eaten alongside a glass of water

I sincerely apologize for the less aesthetically appealing addition to my sidebar. I'm really struggling to support myself right now, so I've been inclined to into scrape change from every corner of my home that I can. I promise to make up for it by adding at least one new pocket of weight loss tips per day.

Stay well, loves. Rest will bring another chance to continue your path anew.

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95
Height: 5'4"

The Apple

My boycot of solid foods lasted for about eighteen hours, before I was enticed by the apple that beckoned me from inside of my fridge. I'm certain that I can last longer now, since there are no apples nor pomegranates nestled atop the shelves. I'm going to start over with it at midnight, with a bit more sincerity.


I find myself wanting a pen pal lately. I want a friend to plan diets with, exchange progress notes, pass along stories, and other odds and ends. If I found such a person in the real world, I feel like I'd have a friend who understands me to a greater extent than other people I've met. We could talk about our feelings together, and avoid food like the plague. We wouldn't have to hide our bones in sweatshirts and layers to avoid scrutiny, because neither of us would be appauled. Perhaps I should just move to a bigger city...

There are four hours until midnight in my corner of the world. I can't fathom eating much else right now, so I suppose that I should just throw what's left of the cupboards into the bin. Feeling as though I'm too large to leave the house has lingered on for longer than I can stomach.

 

 

 

(I love this picture)

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95
Height: 5'4"

The Blues

I'm probably a bit slow to learn this, but I can't help sharing. It's so cool.

 

For the record, I always chose 'Superman' ice cream as a kid, because there was something delightfully odd about eating blue, red, and yellow ice cream. I still add food colouring to my ice cream, because- truth be told- I'm a very immature adult. When I babysat as a teenager (a task which I loathe, despite being very well-liked by children [it's a baffling paradox]), I created a game in which everyone slid down the stairs in a laundry basket (which I was scolded for, since parents believe that their children should spend their lives in fuzzy blankets instead of propelling themselves down a flight of stairs). Later in the day, we shared our Pokemon cards and discussed the current worth of the famed Holigraphic Charizard.

...anyway (apologies for the tangent), the idea behind all of this is that blue food represents things that we should avoid, since blue animals have a tendency to be poisonous booglie ooglies. Interestingly enough, the majority of these pictures were posted by chefs, who were quite proud of their colored creations. I take from this, that these chefs may have slipped through the cracks of Darwin's Theory... and would likely have died out whilst wandering the wild, had properly evolved been unvailable to guide them.

 

Behold! Delicious food: 

(I laughed a lot while I was going through these pictures)

 

 Cheers!

 

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95
Height: 5'4"

 

Fast Food for the Anxious

When I depart for a long voyage on the road with my family, I get very nervous about stopping for fast food. It provokes my anxiety for several reasons. If I order a small cup of fruit, I feel transparent, as if my eating disorder brightens and beckons suspicion. If I order a drink, I will be plagued with the prying chorus of "You're not hungry?" ...which drives me a bit insane, since it's a conviluted concept to me. I'd break for a soda, but then I'd have to explain that said soda has 160 calories and is well enough to carry me until my next meal; but that sounds completely neurotic.

To subsidy this chaos, I study menus as soon as the shiny, greasy destination is decided. This, however, takes time, and god forbid I have to say "wait...! I haven't decided." as I scroll frantically through my phone... which runs the risk of taking too much time, so I'm forced to stare at the menu from the window and utter a series of "um..." 's.

To the point, it's much easier if one knows what to order before pulling into the drive-thru. This is a list of the lowest calorie options provided at the more popular takeaway joints (please do not shop at Arby's. Their management is sickly corrupt in America):

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

McDonald's

Breakfast:

Fruit and Maple Oatmeal (290 calories)

Apple Cinnamon Walnut Oatmeal (270 calories)

Dinner:

Premium Ceaser Salad with Grilled Chicken (190 calories)

Premium Southwest Salad with Grilled Chicken (290 calories)

Premium Bacon Ranch Salad with Grilled Chicken (230 calories)

------------------------------------------
 

Taco Bell

Dinner:

Fresco Chicken Soft Taco (150 calories)

Fresco Crunchy Taco (140 calories)

Fresco Grilled Steak Soft Taco (150 calories)

Mexican Rice (120 calories)

------------------------------------------
 

Wendy's

Dinner:

Apple Slices (40 calories)*

Garden Side Salad (210 calories)

Caeser Side Salad (250 calories)

Ultimate Chicken Grilled Sandwich without the bun (180 calories)

 

------------------------------------------

Burger King

Breakfast:

Quaker Oatmeal (140calories)

Kids Oatmeal (170 calories [...?])

Dinner:

Apple Slices (25 calories)*

Side Caeser Salad with Dressing (220 calories)

------------------------------------------

 

KFC

Dinner:

Kids Popcorn Chicken (260 calories)

Mashed Potatos without Gravy (90 calories)

3" Corn on the Cob (71 calories)

Sweet Kernal Corn (100 calories)

Macaroni Salad (190 calories)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

*I suggest getting a side of apple slices to fill up on. The more food you have in front of you, the less likely you'll be chastised for only managing a half of it.

 

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95
Height: 5'4"


Sorbitol

After digging through pages of odd (mostly odd) and droll facts about artificial sweeteners, I finally found a favorite: Sorbitol. Sorbitol is the only substitute that actually caused weight loss, unlike its less friendly peers... the lot of which often cause cancer.

I found a more readable article recently, warning about the "dangerously excessive weight loss." linked to Sorbitol. It warns that Sorbitol has a laxative effect in large quantities... which is probably why it's used  as a laxative. I've mentioned this a few times, but I feel like it would be remiss not to reiterate it: Laxatives do not cause weight loss. Poop indicates that the digestive process is finished, no mater how it's excreted. You cannot poop away calories. That being said, there must be another reason why Sorbitol that causes weight loss.

 

Read the Article Here

 

The people who took part in the study ate about fifteen sticks of sugar free gum per day, which seems to be the magical amount of Sorbitol to induce poopies and excessive weight loss. I'm not a healthy person, so I like the idea of excessive weight loss. It makes me giddy. I'll sit on the john twice a day if need be. Pardon me whilst I shove three sticks of sugar-free gum in my mouth and daydream about sagging, baggy pants.

Once I've procured my Sorbitol, I will post a myriad of recipes. It doesn't brown whilst it cooks, so I'lI plan to go nuts with food colouring (rainbow cake!).

 

A Place to Buy Sorbitol

($9.25 - 7E)

 

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95
Height: 5'4"
I think that's Charmander to the right, screaming "Don't puke on the bed."

Icarus

I created a new page for this site, so that I could better seperate my personal blog entries from those related to dieting. This is just a brief snippet from the lot (chosen for no particular reason):

 

In a Fog
July 23, 2012
I’ve referred to being ‘in a fog’ many times, but I’m not sure that I’ve ever actually defined what it’s like to be in a fog. As I am currently in a fog, I’m going to make a meager stride to interpret it… which is no simple task, because the fog is rather overwhelming, and I’d just as soon lie on the floor contemplating the ceiling’s looming lack of tiles.
I’ve been sleeping on and off for a while now, in between shamefully large meals. I’m sure that there’s a lot of psychology behind eating the ‘large meals,’ since I’m normally very particular and obsessive about my diet, but it’s a passing phase and I don’t care enough to dissect it.
Because my family is celebrating Mother’s Day tomorrow, I had to leave my house in order to purchase some compensation for my birth (which really ought to have been a sympathy card). I took a bath before leaving, and then stared at my face for a very long time, wondering whether or not it was appropriate enough to carry on outside.

When things feel heavy, I tend to look at the mirror longer than I can make sense of. One of the most prominent aspects of the ‘fog’ is a state of confusion. My reflection confuses me more than anything, since I’m unable to make a tangible connection between myself and it. I just stare at it in disbelief, wondering whether or not I should take it seriously.

Driving in the fog is dangerous. Everything’s on autopilot, and yet I have this overwhelming sense of apathy which is completely irrational. I begin to ponder certain dangers on the road (explosions, crashes, drive-by’s), and conclude that they may as well happen, since I don’t care either way. If a train flew off of its tracks and sailed in my direction, I’d just watch it, and think, 'Oh, well.'The fog leaves no room for adrenaline. There isn’t happiness in the fog, nor is there hope… nor is there a particular hopelessness, because everything is just very, very dull. I’m able to catch some parts of melancholia within such a state, but it is generally a mental prison.
I’m going to end this blog, because I can’t find any more strength to write it. I’d be eating another ginormous meal right now, if I hadn’t already made a ball out of my moderately-cooked brownie mix, and thrown it over the fence, in an attempt to end my bizarre lack of structured eating.

Icarus

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95

Height: 5'4"

Lucidity and Carrot Soup

I've been very self conscious of my writing lately, which is why my entries have been disappearing and then reappearing. It's difficult for me to trust my lucidity whilst taking a new medication... and for good reason, because the ways that it's effecting me are not normal.  It feels like the air around me is thick, and that my mind is struggling to recall what I've done or should be doing. It's a very 'drugged' feeling. The most peculiar side effect, is that everything is beginning to taste like soap. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet.

I'm going to try to keep my writing more concise whilst I'm trying to get used to the medication, so that I won't second-guess everything. I'm also in the process of moving my personal entries into a solitary page as well, so my editing's moving along more slowly than I'd like it to. I'll be posting recipes daily as well, so there will always be something new here.

A recipe:

Carrot Soup

Calories: 38

(Serves ten)

10 full-length carrots, 5 medium stalks of celery, 2 cloves of garlic, 1 medium onion, 8 cups of water

1. Chop all vegetables into small pieces, then boil them in a pot with eight cups of water.
2. Allow to boil until tender.
3. Let cool, then add garlic to the mix. Puree the soup for a heartier texture. For a smoother texter, use a blender.
4. After blending, add garlic, salt, and pepper (to taste).
5. Reheat and eat!

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95

Height: 5'4"

Losing Weight at Work

I'm heavily medicated right now, so I apologize in advance for the disheveled nature of this blog entry. I'm very near to falling asleep on the keyboard, but I am determined to finish writing this before then.

I work at a clothing store, and stay busy running to and from the shipping room, with racks and trolleys of clothing. I count the lot of it as cardio, which motivates me, since I know (...or think, at least) that I'll weigh less each pay day. I've pulled together a few jobs that offer similar pay-offs:

Part-time Jobs that Burn Calories

1. Retail: As long as you aren't confined to the cash register, working in retail burns about 125 calories per hour. 
2. Guiding Tours: Walking briskly on a tour burns about 189 calories per hour, whereas walking leisurely burns 149 calories.
3. Paintng Homes: As well as strengthening your arms, painting walls burns 251 calories per hour.
4. Construction: Working construction burns around 290 calories every hour.
5. Serving at a Resturaunt: Serving tables consists of a lot of running around wihlst carrying trays, burning roughly 190 calories each hour.

All of the aboves estimates are based on my weight, at 110 ( 7st 8) pounds (49.8 kilos).

 

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95

Height: 5'4"

 

 

 



Tea

A note from the author: Reading back on my "frightening" dream, I've come to the conclusion that it was more humorous to recall than frightening... though in quite the unorthodox manner.

Although it is highly esteemed for the ECGC that it contains, green tea is not the only tea that contributes to weight loss. To break a bit of the monotony (albeit tasty monotony), I've composed a list of other teas that are quite helpful as well. Before this list commences, I would like to note that I'm fond of cats (which has likely made itself apparent by now). They'll be accompanying your tea today.

Oolong Tea

 

Oolong tea boosts the metabolism, along with aiding digestion; strengthening teeth; and complimenting a healthy complexion. It's frequently served at Chinese restaurants, so ordering it with your meal might be a good compliment to strengthening your metabolic rate whilst eating.

Rooibos Tea

Rooibos teas contribute to healthy digestion, as well as providing some comfort to a nagging or sour tummy.

Black Tea

Black teas are handy for a small energy boost, as they contain about 20% of the caffeine present in a cup of coffee. They're also handy for maintaining a healthy circulatory and cardiovascular system.

On a personal note: I had a very unusual eating disordered dream tonight. I have binge dreams on occasion, but this one was much more frightening. I dreamt that I was in a public bathroom, and there were full-length mirrors in every stall. When I noticed the first one, I lifted my shirt as I would normally do to check the shape of my stomach. Of course, it didn't look as I thought that it should, and it threw me into a mad panic. I dashed from stall to stall, examining myself in every mirror. I took balls of toilet paper and tried to wipe my stomach off (I've never done that), but I wasn't able to. I left the restroom eventually, and somehow ended up in an eating disorder clinic which looked like a house. Men greeted me at the door, and assured me that I would be the only person in the clinic. I'd receive all of the help that the staff had to offer, because I'd essentially be in the spotlight. I was terrified, so I broke away from the terror I felt and just... ran. I must have ran far enough to escape the dream, because everything morphed into a new setting with new plots.

I can't properly explain how strange it was to me. It must have been stemmed from the anxiety I've been wrought with whilst miserably sleep-deprived. I need more psych meds.

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95

Height: 5'4"

Gracie

I've been lazing around my house and stuffing my face all day. Missing nearly an entire night's sleep never falls short of throwing my brain into a chaotic mess. When I'm influenced by insomnia, my thoughts channel themselves through crossed wires, and their fragments rattle around in my head like pins... none of which assist my ability to understand logic.

I can't conceive doing anything remotely mindful whilst I'm sleep deprived. I don't care to write as much, reading is a tedious strain, painting is nonsense, and leaving the house is just pretentious (Motivation? My, aren't we special.). With all other options for entertainment tossed from my sight, the television becomes my separate universe. I glue myself to the couch, find Supersize vs. Superskinny on Youtube, hook my monitor to the T.V. screen... and then commence snacking, because my choice in doing so (or not) is out of my hands by this point. If I didn't own a television, I'm confident that I'd be well under ninety pounds (in all honesty, eating elsewhere makes me uncomfortable).


I visited my parents' house whilst they were out, so that I could pick up dinner for myself and Gracie [pictured latter]. They've had a half-gallon of Cookies & Cream frozen yogurt in their freezer for about two weeks now. Although I haven't touched it (god forbid... one of us wouldn't last such an encounter), I know that they haven't taken more than a spoonful from it. Ice cream has always been my binge food, and this particular brand of Cookies & Cream is a favorite of mine; but tonight, instead of nabbing it out of the freezer, I brought back applesauce, edamame, and protein bread. I opened the freezer, I saw it, and I shunned it. I am victorious! I have beaten Cookies & Cream ice cream.

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95

Height: 5'4" 



Starvation Mode

I'd like to clarify:

If you don't take in enough calories, your body goes into the state commonly coined 'starvation mode.' In starvation mode, your metabolic rate is lowered by about 10% under its capacity. The idea behind this, is that with a lower metabolic rate, your body can better conserve its energy.

Your body will go into starvation mode if you cut your daily caloric intake to less 50% of what your body requires.

BMR Calculator

In my case, my BMR is 1,326. In order for me to put my body in starvation mode, I would have to eat less than 663 calories.

Weight: 114  113  112  111  110  109  108  107  106  105  104  103  102  101  100  99  98  97  96  95 Height: 5'4

(this picture makes me chuckle, because I once went without dusting my house long enough to see it pour through the windows like this... all the while wondering why I was having severe allergies.)