The Apple

My boycot of solid foods lasted for about eighteen hours, before I was enticed by the apple that beckoned me from inside of my fridge. I'm certain that I can last longer now, since there are no apples nor pomegranates nestled atop the shelves. I'm going to start over with it at midnight, with a bit more sincerity.


I find myself wanting a pen pal lately. I want a friend to plan diets with, exchange progress notes, pass along stories, and other odds and ends. If I found such a person in the real world, I feel like I'd have a friend who understands me to a greater extent than other people I've met. We could talk about our feelings together, and avoid food like the plague. We wouldn't have to hide our bones in sweatshirts and layers to avoid scrutiny, because neither of us would be appauled. Perhaps I should just move to a bigger city...

There are four hours until midnight in my corner of the world. I can't fathom eating much else right now, so I suppose that I should just throw what's left of the cupboards into the bin. Feeling as though I'm too large to leave the house has lingered on for longer than I can stomach.

 

 

 

(I love this picture)

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95
Height: 5'4"

Fasting Friday

I've been eating a healthy amount of food lately, and it's making me feel very uncomfortable... to the extent that I feel a bit hypocritical for it, since my eating disorder plays a paramount role in my identity. Even the connotation of the word 'healthy' is sinister to me. It's not a good word.

All seriousness aside, I think that I'm going to combat this healthy rut with a game (I'm fond of games). I'm going to see how long I can manage without eating solid food. I won't set a goal for myself, because I only intend to have fun with my crafted, foodless experiment.

On another note, I've been working on a 'Don't Binge' page (yes, one of those) for a few days now. I want to make it lengthy enough to have some longevity (so that one can view it once or twice), and concise enough to be effective. I'll make a note of it when it's finally up and running.

Until then, my sleeping pills are making me feel all warm and fuzzy, so I'm off to bed (this was quite the thrilling blog entry). Rest well, everyone. Our goals are never quite as far as they seem.

 

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95
Height: 5'4"



Icarus

I created a new page for this site, so that I could better seperate my personal blog entries from those related to dieting. This is just a brief snippet from the lot (chosen for no particular reason):

 

In a Fog
July 23, 2012
I’ve referred to being ‘in a fog’ many times, but I’m not sure that I’ve ever actually defined what it’s like to be in a fog. As I am currently in a fog, I’m going to make a meager stride to interpret it… which is no simple task, because the fog is rather overwhelming, and I’d just as soon lie on the floor contemplating the ceiling’s looming lack of tiles.
I’ve been sleeping on and off for a while now, in between shamefully large meals. I’m sure that there’s a lot of psychology behind eating the ‘large meals,’ since I’m normally very particular and obsessive about my diet, but it’s a passing phase and I don’t care enough to dissect it.
Because my family is celebrating Mother’s Day tomorrow, I had to leave my house in order to purchase some compensation for my birth (which really ought to have been a sympathy card). I took a bath before leaving, and then stared at my face for a very long time, wondering whether or not it was appropriate enough to carry on outside.

When things feel heavy, I tend to look at the mirror longer than I can make sense of. One of the most prominent aspects of the ‘fog’ is a state of confusion. My reflection confuses me more than anything, since I’m unable to make a tangible connection between myself and it. I just stare at it in disbelief, wondering whether or not I should take it seriously.

Driving in the fog is dangerous. Everything’s on autopilot, and yet I have this overwhelming sense of apathy which is completely irrational. I begin to ponder certain dangers on the road (explosions, crashes, drive-by’s), and conclude that they may as well happen, since I don’t care either way. If a train flew off of its tracks and sailed in my direction, I’d just watch it, and think, 'Oh, well.'The fog leaves no room for adrenaline. There isn’t happiness in the fog, nor is there hope… nor is there a particular hopelessness, because everything is just very, very dull. I’m able to catch some parts of melancholia within such a state, but it is generally a mental prison.
I’m going to end this blog, because I can’t find any more strength to write it. I’d be eating another ginormous meal right now, if I hadn’t already made a ball out of my moderately-cooked brownie mix, and thrown it over the fence, in an attempt to end my bizarre lack of structured eating.

Icarus

Weight: 114 113 112 111 110 109 108 107 106105 104 103 102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95

Height: 5'4"

Snowmen Carnage

 I'm very proud of this ticker that I constructed ('mfp' having done most of the work). I have so many fond memories of reading Calvin & Hobbes as a child, and laughing at Bill Waterson's illustrations of psychologically distressed snowmen. It's nice to have them standing behind my weight loss endeavors:

 

 

Surely these snowmen never thought that they'd be in an eating disorder blog.

Weight: 114  113  112  111  110  109  108  107  106  105  104  103  102  101  100  99  98  97  96  95

Height: 5'4"

Chocolate with Less Chub

I can't function without chocolate anymore. Without it, I pass out (I'm not kidding). Ignoring the health implications of being narcoleptic, I've gathered a few chocolate recipes to share. I've ignored the pictures, because drooling over a gallery of them here sounds unbecoming.

Cheers!

Low-Calorie Compositions

(I've substituted the sugar with stevia)

Chocolate Pudding Pops

Calories: (60)

Ingredients:

• One chocolate 'Jello' sugar-free pro-biotic pudding

Instruction: Stick a Popsicle stick into the foil (about halfway into the cup), then stick into the freezer until frozen.

Chocolate Cinnamon Popcorn

By: Huuxe

 Calories: (85 per one serving [serves 4])

Ingredients: 

• Orville Redenbacher's 'Smart Pop' popcorn (94% fat-free butter)
• Three tablespoons of ground cinnamon
• One tablespoon of cocoa powder
• Eight packets of Stevia
• Non-stick zero calorie butter spray

Instruction: Microwave the popcorn. Mix the cinnamon, cocoa powder, and stevia; toss into a ziplock bag. Coat the popcorn with butter spray. Pour the 'buttered' popcorn into the bag of spices, and shake the bag until the popcorn is thoroughly coated with the lot.

 Dark Chocolate Mulled Wine Sauce with Stevia

 Calories: (18 per 2 tablespoons)

Ingredients: 

• One cup of Cabernet Suvignon
• Six teaspoons of stevia
• One satchet of mulling spice 
• 1/2 cup of Dutch process cocoa
• 1/2 cup of light corn syrup
• 1 ounce of semisweet chocolate

Instruction: Combine the first 3 ingredients in a small saucepan; bring to a simmer. Cook for 5 minutes, then discard the sachet. Add cocoa and corn syrup, stirring with a whisk until smooth. Simmer for 2 minutes, then remove from heat. Add chocolate, stirring until it melts. Cool to room temperature. I'd mix this into cool whip to have with strawberries. 

   

Weight: 114  113  112  111  110  109  108  107  106  105  104  103  102  101  100  99  98  97  96  95

Height: 5'4"

Table Manners

I'm moving back in with my parents in December, which means that I'll be surrounded by 'binge food.'

My mom has this peculiar habit of buying sweets (cookies, brownie mix, ridiculously fattening ice cream bars, etc.), and then not eating them. I remember going into my parents' house a few months back, due to being possessed by a holy plight to conquer every bit of junk food in the world. When I reached the kitchen, I was both elated and frightened when I found four boxes of brownie mix in the pantry. There were walnut brownies, fudge brownies, peanut butter brownies, dark chocolate brownies--all just lying in wait. I gathered them and dashed home, then exuberantly baked about half of the loot in the oven. The other halves were eaten raw, in-between intervals of ice cream. It was a festival of sorts. Soon, I will be physically amongst all of that junk. I really can't imagine holding onto my sanity.

Along with being amidst of the rubbish in the kitchen, I must partake in a mandatory nightly feeding.
My parents are 'dinner people.' My mom prepares food each night, and everyone sits around the table to enjoy it. Refusing to take part isn't just suspicious- it's selfish. We spend about an hour conversing  and stabbing at my fated foe (...food). Throughout the meal, the time leaves every plate open for  scrutiny. Each leftover is accounted for, despite any lacking motive to do so. It's all seen. For someone with an eating disorder, it is utter hell.

I developed some tips for myself, which I hope will provide some structure and make things a touch less overwhelming. I'll have to give them a few test-runs before I move in so that I can fix any flaws in the endeavor. I hope that they're helpful to all of you as well!

Avoid Overeating at the Table 

1. Opt for a small plate.
2. Drink water before the meal.
3. Eat slowly.
4. Do not push your food around your plate for hours. Set your utensils down periodically instead. It often settles the anxiety to take a break.
5. When serving yourself, choose small amounts of food. If you must, splurge on the veg.
6. Chew your food adequately.
7. Skip the condiments. 
8. Talk until you can hear yourself being annoying, and take charge of the conversations. Dazzle those table friends with your charisma! You forgot to eat? Well, it's cold now... better save it.

Weight: 114  113  112  111  110  109  108  107  106  105  104  103  102  101  100  99  98  97  96  95

Height: 5'4"